The Art of Writing a Polite Book Review

So I'm reading this book that I'm supposed to review (actually, I am actively not reading it. I chose to fold laundry instead of read.), and I'm concerned about how to write the review. It's a trade situation, a I'll-read-your-book-and-review-it-if-you-do-the-same situation, so I have to phrase things delicately, I think. I have to damn it with faint praise. "The author really created some characters that stick out in my mind." = "I can't remember the characters' names."
"Full of dramatic tension, with high points on nearly every page." = "Pure melodrama, with extra exclamation points!" "Would benefit from professional editing to make it shine." = "It's not laughing STALK, it's laughing stock. The first makes me think of a mirthful piece of celery." "Loaded with political statements." = "Yada yada yada, more politics, yawn."

I'll have to try to finish the book to come up with enough sentences for a review. I want to throw the book, but I'm reading it on my iPad and that would be costly to replace.